Emotional abuse can involve control, intimidation or repeated humiliation, even when there are no visible injuries. If you are worried about how a partner treats you, you can seek support without first finding the perfect label for the relationship.
Your immediate safety comes first. In the United States, call 911 for immediate danger or a life-threatening emergency; elsewhere, use your local emergency number. Consider whether your device is safe to use before looking for support.
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Recognise controlling behaviour
Look at what happens when you make your own choices. Does your partner monitor you, restrict contact with others or use intimidation to get agreement? The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s emotional-abuse guide describes non-physical behaviours used to control, isolate or frighten a partner.
Consider specific incidents and the wider pattern. You do not need to prove what another person secretly intends before asking for help with behaviour that worries you.
Look at humiliation and repeated dismissal
Repeated insults, public humiliation or jokes used to put you down can be warning signs. Notice whether you feel free to disagree or whether speaking up leads to punishment or more ridicule.
A disagreement about a task differs from repeated attacks on your worth. You can consider criticism of a specific action while recognising that degrading treatment is unacceptable.
Persistent denial of events or claims that you are always imagining things can leave you questioning your judgement. A specialist advocate can help you talk through the details without requiring you to confront your partner to establish the facts.
Take threats and pressure seriously
Threats to hurt you, someone else or a pet deserve attention. You do not have to wait for physical violence before discussing your safety with a domestic-abuse service.
If a partner threatens suicide to stop you leaving or make you comply, take the threat seriously and seek crisis or emergency help as appropriate. You are not responsible for controlling their actions. The Hotline’s guide to a partner’s threats of suicide explains how concern for them can coexist with support for your own safety. In the U.S., call or text 988 for suicide-crisis support.
Keep privacy and support in view
A partner may have access to messages, accounts or location information. Private browsing does not make a monitored device safe. If you are concerned, consider a safer device or a trusted person’s help when contacting support. Review the Hotline’s internet-safety guidance before making changes that could affect your situation.
Only keep notes, messages or plans where doing so is safe for you. Ask an advocate about your particular circumstances rather than relying on a general instruction to collect evidence or change passwords.
You can describe what happens during periods of silence or withdrawal without deciding on a diagnosis. Explain whether you are denied necessary information, prevented from seeking support or afraid of the response when you ask for help.
Explore a safer next step
A personal safety plan can consider your circumstances while you remain in a relationship, prepare to leave or have already left. Housing, money, children, disability, pets and access to transport may affect your options. An advocate can help you explore them without requiring an immediate decision.
In the United States, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, text START to 88788 or use its online chat when safe. Its advocates can discuss safety planning and local resources. Outside the U.S., seek a local domestic-abuse service.
If abuse is present, joint counselling may create additional risks. The Hotline explains why it does not recommend couples therapy with an abusive partner. Individual specialist support can help you consider a safer approach.
You do not cause another person’s abuse by disagreeing, staying or struggling to leave. You deserve support at each stage, including when you are uncertain what you want to do.